Emma and Jilly


Tuesday, 6 October 2009

Being a lesbian daughter

So I could do with some advice from people who know what they're talking about. Basically my mum refuses to accept who i am and who i love. Jilly and I have been together for two years and up until then i had not spoken to my mum about my sexuality. I told my parents that Jilly was my girlfriend a few months after we got together and my dad was very gracious and gave me a hug and said its my life. Whereas my mother said (and i quote) "I cant pretend i'm happy about it cos i not". Now ok, she was probably shocked etc, but she's had nearly two years to get used to it.
She still acts as though Jilly doesnt exist and when i spoke to her the other night and told her that my job had fallen through, she told me i have to go where the jobs are and i should think about moving...convenient as she thinks this would take me away from Jilly. However, both Jilly and i agree that we would rather work in a supermarket and be together than work in hospitals and be apart.
My mother seems to want me to be apart from Jilly, even if that would make me miserable. Not surprisingly, Jilly has never met my mum, basically because she thinks my mum hates her and i cant say for certain that my mum would be nice to her if she met her. So i hardly speak to her these days. My relationship with my dad is the same as it always has been. He is so laid back really, he loves me for me, and i love talking to him. I dont see much of them cos they live in scotland about 7 hours away.
I dont want to end up having no relationship with my parents cos they're family, but there's only so much i can do. The rest is up to her!
Any words of wisdom?

Edited to apologise for the long, propbably boring post!


  1. I am sorry you are having trouble with your Mum. It is very hard when your parents do not accept your life style or your partner- it put strain on Jilly too. At some point you have to decide who you are living your life for- if Jilly makes you happy- then be happy, limit your contact with your Mum and live your life. You have to do what is healthy for you and Jilly. She will either come around or not- I know you want her in your life- but you have a new relationship now that you need to focus on. Just my 2 cents. Hugs.

  2. Thanks Kate. Jilly definitely makes me happy and i would choose my relationship with her over the one with my mum anytime. It may sound callous but i do have to go with my heart and my happiness.

  3. You are right to go with what makes you happy. Life YOUR life not the one your mum wants for you. If she cannot accept you for you then she will never be happy with your decisions to be who you are, if you give in to her emotional blackmail, and yes that is what it is, you will always be subject to her disapproval and you will always be unhappy. Take heart though, your dad is cool and wonderful and truly understands what unconditional love is.

    My relationship with my mum was bad for a long time until she finally realised that I am who I am and nothing was going to change that, and that she was missing out on her grandson by not accepting my sexuality. We finally started to be accepting of each other just a couple of years before she died and I am glad we were able to solve the differences we had, and i am sure your mum will come round if you stand firm with her and keep close contact with your dad!

  4. Found your comment on 2 moms with a plan and yay you live in Sheffield! (so do I ;P)

  5. Hi Emma, I'm sorry about the situation with your mum. My bit of advice would be to write her a letter telling her how you feel. Tell her that your really love Jill and you're sorry if she finds that hard but that is how it is. Tell her that it doesn't change how you feel about your parents, you still love them etc etc. Hope this helps Karen

  6. I am really sorry you and Jilly have to go through this. Parents can be such a pain. It was rough with my Mom too. It took a couple of years, and actually, it took us having Gryfinn for her to come around. But she did. And she realized that I was still me, the daughter that she had raised, just really, truly happy. Now my Mom is over here all the time, and she just adores my family. Maybe you should take the previous persons idea, and write her letter. Let her know that you are still her daughter. That you being a lesbian does not make you a different person. You still have the same values, the same views. Just because the person you love is the same gender as you are, does not change anything about you as a person. Love knows no boundaries. And, I hope, one day, your Mum will realize this. Cause she is missing out.


  7. We don't have control over who we fall in love with!

    A dear friend once commented that when he's facing a potentially uncomfortable situation/conversation, he imagines his & the other person's higher selves 'as tall as trees,' & talks heart to heart with the other BEFORE the encounter. He said it always seems to change how the interaction goes.

    You could approach stating your piece that way - imagine talking to your mom's angel self, telling her how importand Jilly & your relationship are to you, & how much you love & appreciate HER. & allow room for her attitude to shift, in its own way & time.